My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
