what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
