My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
