mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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