I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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