I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
