Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
