there's paper in my vomit.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
