you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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