Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
