When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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