Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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