I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
