I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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