Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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