We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
