I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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