quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
