Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Come share oat with me in your robe
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
