I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
