speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
