i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
