Don't you send me to vm
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
