SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How external is "for external use only"?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
