I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
