Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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