I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
