I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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