I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
