We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So vagazzling was a success
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
