I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
