I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
