So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
we're so committed to being not committed
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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