i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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