I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You're like the curious george of whores
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
