you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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