Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
