he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
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Semen is not good for contacts.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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