Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
