3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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