Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
