Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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