Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
