I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
