I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
