my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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