Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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