She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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