I think my fart just growled at me.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
