me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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