Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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