ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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