i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
