just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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