I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I need a beard to bite.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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