dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
