If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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