I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
