sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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