Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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