Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
