I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
3pm strippers are depressing
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
this hospital has no fireball
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
