It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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