you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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